Emotionally Abusive Relationships
Many people are in emotionally abusive relationships.
They do not think that they can do better than be with the one they are with…
Abusers are abusive out of habit, fear, shame and miseducation of how to be a human being..
This blog is for those who have been emotionally abused or are currently in an emotionally, abusive relationship.
First, being in an emotionally abusive relationship can be confusing. What does it mean to be in an emotionally abusive relationship?
An emotionally abusive relationship is a relationship that uses verbal and/or nonverbal tactics to manipulate or corrode a person’s ability to see who they really are.
Who we all really are is love; their is a light at the end of every tunnel and it is the essence of our being. Love is our inherent nature; it is wise, caring, forgiving and loving. An emotionally abusive relationship is one that is full of limits. Its the kind of relationship that makes us feel small, little, traumatized, helpless, dependent and wounded.
Many times, emotionally abusive relationships use both love and kindness; they reward behaviors that they themselves like or approve of. However, at the flick of a switch, emotionally abusive relationships use fear tactics when the other does behavior that they don’t like or approve of.
Emotionally abusive relationships can be confusing because they can offer us as many good feeling emotions as they can ill feeling ones. Many times, the emotionally abusive relationship appears as both a savior- the balm for our pain- as well as the potential impetus of our affliction.
Of course, given this definition of what it means to be in an emotionally-abusive relationship, one may feel ashamed or disheartened.
Very often, we find that the source of being emotionally abused is really inside ourselves. We recognize that we may have instigated attacks made at ourselves and that we put other people down too; oftentimes, we weren’t even aware that we were being emotionally abusive with our excessive negativity, fear, doubt and worrisome thoughts and words.
As a kid growing us with narcissistic and insecure family members, I carried the burden of the judgmental thoughts, harsh words and the critical voice of emotional abusers around me for years. I would never think of myself as being an emotional abuser; however I vaguely remember times of subtly putting people down, allowing negativity, fear, and self-doubt run-off and project onto other people.
But when I went away to college, I started to have new doors open up to me and I began loving myself. I joined a rock-climbing club and surrounded myself with positive, empowering people who wanted to co-create a more loving, humane world together.
Now- this journey of Self-love is always a constant journey and I still get hard on myself sometimes. Life is a continuous journey for sure!
But the voice of emotional abusers around me are no longer penetrable.
and I know it can be that way for you too.
Emotional abuse can be addicting… Many people find themselves in such a dependent state that they can’t imagine their life getting any better without the emotional abuser. Its as if the emotional abuser becomes a crutch for why life isn’t working, they become a excuse, a distraction, for why we can’t create or love people and ourselves. (Because loving people and ourselves requires daily actions toward health and connection).
There comes a day when we have to start looking at the kind of life we want and the kind of people who will help us to create it.
Taking and/or giving emotional abuse leads to set-back and doesn’t serve anyone. Causing people to shame their desires, to doubt who they are (remember? love), and to not go for what they want, for example, makes it more difficult for all individuals involved to express their desires, learn, self-discover and create a life of self-honesty and trust. Its a recipe for a unsatisfying, unhealthy, potentially co-dependent, and fear-based relationship.
Do you want to create a life you love or a life that society, the world, has dictated for you?
It starts by weeding out the emotional abusers and that includes the thoughts and beliefs in ourselves that attract emotional abusers to us. Its also about filling ourselves up with healthy food, loving thoughts, Self-study, quality alone time, and positive people who are working on themselves- like you!
A life we can love is not only possible but its much more probable…when we filter out having emotionally abusive relationships in our lives.